Tuesday, February 15, 2011

3:am

(repost from facebook 8/14/10)

In odd, quiet moments, I've found myself thinking about the nature of my faith. Sometimes the thoughts come in the morning when I'm getting ready for work, and the house is quiet, and even the dogs are still asleep. Sometimes it's while I'm driving around town, Mt. Ranier is out and floating on the clouds and shining like a beacon. And sometimes it's late at night when I can't sleep, and I'm sitting in a dark house at 3:am trying to figure out what I did wrong. Again.


I think that for me, Faith is about thankfulness and gratitude. It's odd, but I feel it most strongly when I forget about myself or lose myself. Seems a bit backwards. I'd have thought that I'd be most thankful when something great happens to ME, but really, when I lose myself in something I'm doing and it results in a blessing for someone else, I'm not only thankful for the blessing in their life, but thankful that in giving that blessing, I've been blessed unknowingly and unasked for.

When it happens, when the blessing comes without expectation or thought, it's like unwrapping a tiny present that you found on the bedside stand in the morning. Unlooked for, unasked for, but there is such a joy and wonder in receiving that gift, that it takes your breath away. It reminds me of christmas mornings, or when I'm walking along and Beth puts her hand in mine. I crave that feeling deep in my soul. That thankfulness for the unexpected gift. It's such a human thing.

I try to live a life of thankfulness and gratitude. I fail it it most of the time, but when I remember to be thankful, I often feel such a love for Him well up in me that I can hardly breathe. It's much the same feeling that I get when I find myself watching Beth grow into a beautiful, smart young woman, or when I'm with Josh and he suprises and amazes me, and I find myself incredibly proud of him. It's also the same feeling I get when it's 3:am, and Robin's sitting quietly with me just making it better by being there. It's when I get that feeling that I feel the most faith.

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